with ampersands: a beginning

‘i put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.’ – sandra cisneros

i sat in my living room on our old yellow couch a few days ago, blankly staring into space while my roommate, katie, watched gilmore girls. gilmore girls has become a background noise for me since i moved into our tiny apartment, which we call “the orchard.” katie and i were both having the type of hard evening that always devolves into us slumped over in our living room, talking about how difficult life is. she turned away from gilmore girls, cocked her head at me, and said, “i can’t wait for this month to be over. may has been too hard. i want to leave it behind.” i couldn’t have agreed more. this month, i graduated college, turned 22, moved into my first apartment, got my first paycheck, and experienced my first taste of a long-distance relationship (even though it’s just temporary). i guess you could say i became an adult this month. and it’s hard.

i think the most difficult thing about postgrad for me has been looking for a job. all of the late nights and horrendous tests and 20 page papers i had in college have been boiled down to a one-page resumé. beyond the resumé, i have to talk to prospective employers and dress up and sit there while they ask me questions and literally judge me. it’s really draining and a little demeaning. i’ve found a great temporary job as a summer counselor (more about that later), and i have an interview for a full-time sales job later this week. so things are looking better, but hinging my happiness on how some random person judges me in a 20 minute conversation with me is not fun.

i’ve never dealt with change very well. it takes me a long time to “get over” things, something i prefer to call “processing” because it sounds less intimidating. and i can only tell my friends and my boyfriend that i “feel weird” so many times in relation to postgrad before it means nothing because it’s really hard to describe the pit in my stomach when i think about how i’ve moved on from what was such an important, breathtaking, hard stage of life. a lot of people have encouraged me to blog, so here it is. this is where the good, the bad, and the ugly will go.