mulling over the past

‘I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang.’ The sun said, ‘it hurts to become.’ -Andrea Gibson


this summer isn’t as rich and full as past summers. it hit me when i started an old favorite book that i first read in one of those summers in high school. books are transformative beings; when i reread something, i remember exactly where i sat and how i felt when i first read it, and in some way, i become the person i was in during those summers.

past summers spent at the same north carolina campground, hidden in the woods and sending missives to my friends via walkie talkies. i played capture the flag and laid in creeks and read harry potter under big trees and swung high high high in white crocheted hammocks with gap-toothed friends.

i got older and spent summers under mulberry trees, staining my feet and washing them off on the dock of the little pond. we went to the river and felt the rocks scrape under our feet, sitting still in the eddies and feeling the rush around us. we sat outside on the open porch and ate a dinner of fruit and crackers and cheese, wiping our hands on our pants. later i helped my friend fold laundry and watched princess bride in a thrift store chair after the sun went down.

i’ve had a few rich, full moments this first summer of adulthood. playing cards on the back porch of the hostel, eating an apple and cinnamon funnel cake at the fair and walking around while my hand was held. sitting on the floor of my new apartment at sunset with the door open to listen to the rain. writing letters and drawing arrows on their fronts like they were poised to fly to my friends.

but things feel kind of blank in comparison to the past right now. and i know they say nostalgia is clouded and comparison is the thief of joy and etcetera etcetera, but i’m mourning the loss of those times today more than usual.

i’m trying to imagine the future moments and how sweet they’re going to be. the day prescott moves back and i can hug him anytime. a childhood friend’s wedding with mulled wine and candlelight. wearing sweaters again. thanksgiving with my whole family. a trip to the apple orchard. i just have to make it there.

r&r: the beauty in the breakdown

remember a few months ago when I was out of my mind with job searching and boredom and all i wanted was to get out of my apartment? there have been a few times in the last few weeks when i wanted that restlessness back. rest hasn’t exactly been a priority for me the last few weeks. I’ve been working two jobs, facing a lot of 14+ hour days, and filling my weekends to the brim with visiting friends and family. by day, i was training to be a marketing assistant at a newspaper, a mentally draining job. by night, i was a counselor to more than 20 kids, an emotionally draining job. on top of it all, i would be so wired when i got home after midnight that it’d take a while to fall asleep and to get back up at 7:30 to do it all again.

there was beauty in the rush, of course. i’ve been making more than $100 each work day, which is way more than the $0 i was making per day earlier this summer. i saw prescott for a weekend in asheville, which was SO much fun. me and pres

i spent part of the 4th of july with my family and the other part with prescott and his camp friends. one of my college roommates is getting married in three weeks, so i drove two and a half hours yesterday to go to her lingerie shower and get dessert at kaminsky’s with friends in downtown columbia, sc. it was really refreshing to catch up with old friends; i found that my friend meg has been experiencing the same postgrad depression that i have. it makes it kind of easier to deal with every time one of my friends from college admits that life after graduation is really tough. being so busy has distracted me from missing my boyfriend and from feeling inadequate in the real world after graduation.

at the end of this week, my counseling job ended and consequently i got a nasty cold that has been kicking my butt. it’s forcing me to rest; when i got home from the lingerie shower today, i immediately took a hot bath with LOADS of coconut oil and started rereading a favorite book of mine (the sky is everywhere, for the curious). i think i’m going to finally be balanced starting this week. i’m seeing the value in rest and alone time today.