mulling over the past

‘I said to the sun, ‘Tell me about the big bang.’ The sun said, ‘it hurts to become.’ -Andrea Gibson

this summer isn’t as rich and full as past summers. it hit me when i started an old favorite book that i first read in one of those summers in high school. books are transformative beings; when i reread something, i remember exactly where i sat and how i felt when i first read it, and in some way, i become the person i was in during those summers.

past summers spent at the same north carolina campground, hidden in the woods and sending missives to my friends via walkie talkies. i played capture the flag and laid in creeks and read harry potter under big trees and swung high high high in white crocheted hammocks with gap-toothed friends.

i got older and spent summers under mulberry trees, staining my feet and washing them off on the dock of the little pond. we went to the river and felt the rocks scrape under our feet, sitting still in the eddies and feeling the rush around us. we sat outside on the open porch and ate a dinner of fruit and crackers and cheese, wiping our hands on our pants. later i helped my friend fold laundry and watched princess bride in a thrift store chair after the sun went down.

i’ve had a few rich, full moments this first summer of adulthood. playing cards on the back porch of the hostel, eating an apple and cinnamon funnel cake at the fair and walking around while my hand was held. sitting on the floor of my new apartment at sunset with the door open to listen to the rain. writing letters and drawing arrows on their fronts like they were poised to fly to my friends.

but things feel kind of blank in comparison to the past right now. and i know they say nostalgia is clouded and comparison is the thief of joy and etcetera etcetera, but i’m mourning the loss of those times today more than usual.

i’m trying to imagine the future moments and how sweet they’re going to be. the day prescott moves back and i can hug him anytime. a childhood friend’s wedding with mulled wine and candlelight. wearing sweaters again. thanksgiving with my whole family. a trip to the apple orchard. i just have to make it there.


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