yearning

be the one who nurtures + builds. be the one who has an understanding and forgiving heart, one who looks for the best in people. leave people better than you found them.

-marvin ashton

have you ever yearned for something? have you felt your heart pull toward it, absolutely STOKED at the thought of being a part of it?

on my drive to work this morning the word “yearn” kept repeating itself in my head, so I looked up how it was used in the Bible in Strong’s Concordance (it’s like a dictionary for hebrew and greek etymology where you can learn what was lost in translation). the way I was using it was the figurative derived from german, “to be deeply affected with passion,” but it also means to literally be kindled and grow warm with heat. to ignite. to start something. yearning means burning.

i’ve spent a lot of time this summer thinking about my future. i graduated college in may, and i’m finally supporting myself. my soul has rested, but now i’ve got to make a step in a direction. i’ve been between going to grad school for student affairs or library sciences. it’s always been a dream of mine to work with books, but i’ve realized that i used to hide behind books to avoid relationships with people. i can always work with books later, but people are too important to me for me to hide in the stacks right now.

the yearning this morning was caused by driving past my alma mater, but i wasn’t yearning for the college itself, though i love learning and reading and discussing. my heart pulled toward residence life, toward all of the new RAs training to take care of people this year, dear, dear friends i’ve worked with the last few years. they’re preparing. praying. arranging. learning how to best be support systems and bug-killers.

when i graduated, i didn’t feel closure from residence life. i didn’t cry. i didn’t feel heartbroken to leave. i don’t think i could be an RA for another year or anything because it causes a special kind of exhaustion, a low burn that you have to keep going for an entire year. but i miss it in general. working with high school and college students at camp this year really solidified in me that no matter what i do, it needs to be centered around mentorship and cheering on students who might not have the cheerleaders back home that i had when i was in school. i want students to feel like they matter.

i’m looking into student affairs programs to apply for this fall because i haven’t gotten this out of my system. i think that’s what my heart is yearning for.

Advertisements

in praise of

“the great revelation perhaps never did come. instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark.”
–virginia woolf, To the Lighthouse

blessings

listen to me lift my voice.

in praise of early summer mornings when it’s still cool and i shiver as i step out of the shower. in praise of the new facial cleanser i use in the morning that smells like a week of running around in pine needles with niñas. of the coffee i drink while i sit cross-legged on the floor while i dry my hair, oh, praise. of the devotions i read before work that remind me to look for peace and goodness in people.

in praise of fresh oranges, of quinoa. of piña coladas and chicken wings.

in praise of the peace that comes with not worrying about jobs every minute of the day. of a direct deposit i forgot was coming. of money put in savings for a future. in praise of bosses who asked me to work full time for a few weeks right when i needed it.

in praise of friends, of a friend who sat with me while i cried on our big yellow couch and acted like an idiot with me in the grocery store. of lightning storms on our apartment balcony. of writing in our journals together. in praise of a friend who floated on her back with me in the ocean while we held onto each others’ ankles. of someone who loves the words like me. in praise of coffee dates and pool dates and dinner dates and movie dates. in praise of the friends who get it. in praise a friend who is more than a friend, my favorite guy in the whole world. in praise of my him coming home in two weeks after being gone for fifteen weeks, oh i’ll sing for that. of long phone calls with him catching up with the day to day. of being silly with each other from hours away. in praise of “i miss you.”

in praise of words that feel fluid for the first time in months, warm in my mouth. of my late grandfather who taught me to love those words in the first place. of a godly woman who spoke truth right into my life a few weeks ago. of hebrew and greek. of the moon.