The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.
This month was about cleansing, sloughing off the dead stuff. Moving and leaving things in the past. Tying up loose ends. Being patient as the poison of heartbreak and uncertainty and constant stress slowly leave me.
As I posted a few weeks ago, I’ve been going to hot yoga, which has been such a cleansing and tough and rewarding experience. About halfway through each session, I feel terrible, physically and emotionally. I wonder what I’ve done, why I’m on the mat. If it’s worth it. However, apparently that’s normal- all of the sweating and moving loosens up hormones and toxins in your body in a similar way that massage can loosen things up. And after water and a healthy meal, I feel a lot better, a lot lighter. And a few hours later, I want to be back in the stuffy, 99 degree studio again.
Moving home has also been a detoxifying and difficult adventure. I can finally go to work every day smelling like my clothes have been freshly laundered instead of smelling like stale cigarettes. The act of culling some belongings from my parents’ house and from my apartment was nice, too. I got rid of things that had bad memories attached to them and things that were useless clutter. I’m learning to be selective about what (and who) I let into my space. I’m not going to lie and say moving home has been easy and great. My family has been supportive, and I’ve had a great time hanging out with them. However, moving home is bringing up old demons I didn’t know I’d been carrying around, old guilt and shame I thought I’d dealt with but I’d just swept under the rug. I’m using this time at home to truly deal with these things in therapy so I can wash my hands of them for good when I move to the next stage of my life.
July was so much better than June, and I’m hoping that August will see improvement in the same ways. I’m still going to therapy every week and doing my best to be patient with myself in this healing process. I’m reaching out to people and being vulnerable about my struggles and telling my truths. Things are still hard sometimes. But the poison is leaving bit by bit.