Recovery from a mental illness isn’t easy. And I’m so envious of people who can start a medication and feel better right off the bat. But I’m not one of those people, and that’s hard. So here’s a life update.
Though I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist on the reg since January, we still haven’t found the medication that is the right fit for me, which is honestly discouraging and demotivating. Medicines that affect serotonin make me violently ill. So a few weeks ago, my psychiatrist decided to start me on Wellbutrin, which stimulates dopamine, the alleged “good feeling” hormone. However, it made me feel terrible. My depression returned with a vengeance. My terrible thoughts came back. When I wasn’t catatonic, I was weeping uncontrollably. When I wasn’t weeping, I was throwing up because I was so anxious. I went almost two days without eating at one point. I couldn’t sleep. Or read. Or journal. Or do yoga. And obviously, I didn’t have the energy to blog. After two weeks of misery, my doctor took my back off of the medicine, and we’re trying something different (again).
And I’m still crawling out of the pit. This week, I could finally listen to podcasts again! I went to a work event and had fun instead of hiding away with a churning stomach and sense of dread. I’m starting to enjoy my plants again.
In the middle of the fog, one thing became clear: my mental health is THE priority. It’s the foundation for everything. I haven’t written about my job much because in the words of Destiny’s Child, “You know I’m not gon’ diss you on the internet/ ‘Cause my mama taught me better than that.” But suffice to say, it’s not a good environment and it’s not a good fit for my personality. So last week, I quit my job. New things are on the horizon, and hopefully my mental health will keep improving.