Knitting Needles

Slip knot. First row. Bind off. Draw yarn through stitch.

I see seasons of mental health like an endless skein of yarn and a knitting pattern. This time it’s a scarf. It seems pretty basic from the outside- first row, bind off, cast off. But even those basic steps are second-guessed and shaky. Sometimes, I get so anxious that I knot everything up, and then I have to spend painstaking hours trying to undo it. Or depression kicks in and I put the whole mess down because I can’t handle it. I don’t have the energy to hold the needles anymore.
And I get so frustrated because I’ve been working on the same scarf for months. I knit away and think things are ok, but I look back and see how uneven it all is. Time to undo. Time to use an easier pattern, even though normally I’m capable of so much more. I can’t move on to more complex patterns or start a shawl because getting the hang of the basics right now is too tough. And in some seasons of life I have made shawls and colorful blankets and cozy hats. But this season, I’m focusing on the basic scarf.


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